Small Changes

It's been almost two weeks since I made the conscious decision to stop dieting. I just want to take a few moments to reflect on what has changed in this time; and what has not.

 First, I have not lost any weight. I know those of you who have done the constant diet thing have all read about some celebrity or diet guru who has said "When I stopped dieting I finally lost weight!" Pardon my french, but I suspect that is horse shit. I believe they dieted their butts off, and hired a personal trainer, or dropped an entire food group from their diet, or started using drugs.

No I have not lost weight, but that is not why I started this rebellion anyway. I just want to stop feeling like there was something wrong with the way I am to begin with. I am on a quest to be healthy in mind, and spirit, as well as body and I believe dieting neglects the work I need to do on my self-esteem. My mother, and this is not a criticism of her, has told me many times that I will feel better about myself if I lose some weight. Well I am coming to the realization that little nugget is fools gold. You don't feel better when you lose weight, because you could be thinner, you aren't losing enough, now you have flab, or cellulite, or bad skin, hair, nose, boobs...it's a slippery slope. Why not work toward feeling better about how you look AS YOU ARE!

What has changed is I am now more relaxed about what I am eating. I don't need to seek a confessional when I have a soda, or ice cream. There is no rush from the "naughtiness" of it. I don't tense up when it's time to plan a meal or snack, I don't have to bargin with myself, I just eat what I want. And usually I don't overdo it. I don't cry, or feel ashamed of myself afterward (most of the time, it's still a work in progress after all.) What I have found is that I don't crave bad snacks as much. Yes I eat them, but I am just as likely to have a banana or grapes. I also don't eat out as much. I don't crave chinese, or fast food. (I still crave wings, but who doesn't!)

I also spend a few minutes each day consciously trying to admire myself in the mirror. This is an important part of my experiment. I sit at my vanity, or stand in front of the mirror and try my hardest to think affirming thoughts about my body. And not the usual backhanded compliments women and girls usually give themselves. but real complimentary things about the parts of my body that I used to loathe. I compliment the belly, large breasts, rolls, chin, arms...I think how they are like fine art. I think how ancient man made immortal tributes in mammoth bone and stone to the female form just like mine. I think how my husband loves my body and finds it sexy. I think how soft and comforting my parts are, how many things my body can do, and endure, and perform.

Of course there are still negative thoughts that creep in, disappointment, self loathing, but I am working on that. Rome wasn't built in a day, and years of social training to hate oneself is deeply ingrained. I will have to carve it out like a careful surgeon cutting out a malignant tumor, until there is none left, only healthy thoughts.

I am also more interested in exercise again. That was a surprise. I want to do good things for my body. I want to feed it healthy food, and take it swimming, and do yoga again. Not to "tone up" but because I feel better when I do it. If I'm too tired then of course I don't, and I don't feel guilty. But the desire is there and I will when I can.

These are the changes I have seen in a short amount of time, and I am kind of excited for what is to come.