I like to work out. I enjoy walking/jogging with my ipod, zumba, yoga, and I LOVE swimming. That being said, I am discovering that I use language akin to religion when speaking about my exercise time. I use terms like virtuous, and being bad or good, when I talk about how much or how often I exercise. I am not sure this is the right attitude to have.
The husband went to the Y tonight for his pilates class. Normally I would go and swim during this time, but I was tired this afternoon after taking my mother out shopping all afternoon, so I stayed home. This made me anxious. What the heck is that all about. Have I transfered some of my food guilt to going to the gym? I'm thinking yes.
So here is a new resolution for all us out there who will no longer be mentally unhealthy about our bodies. Be active! It's healthy, and stress relieving, but try to choose activities that you enjoy, and don't allow yourself to equate these activities with your self worth. They are things you do to be happy, not acts of contrition. If you are wiped out, find something quieting like meditation or reading to do instead. Listen to your body, it's telling you the truth about what it wants you to do (be it rest or work) It's our brainwashed minds that tell us we have to sweat it out in some boring room full of machines.
Now, I am going to step away from the computer and go do something fun :)
Monday, June 13, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Small Changes
It's been almost two weeks since I made the conscious decision to stop dieting. I just want to take a few moments to reflect on what has changed in this time; and what has not.
First, I have not lost any weight. I know those of you who have done the constant diet thing have all read about some celebrity or diet guru who has said "When I stopped dieting I finally lost weight!" Pardon my french, but I suspect that is horse shit. I believe they dieted their butts off, and hired a personal trainer, or dropped an entire food group from their diet, or started using drugs.
No I have not lost weight, but that is not why I started this rebellion anyway. I just want to stop feeling like there was something wrong with the way I am to begin with. I am on a quest to be healthy in mind, and spirit, as well as body and I believe dieting neglects the work I need to do on my self-esteem. My mother, and this is not a criticism of her, has told me many times that I will feel better about myself if I lose some weight. Well I am coming to the realization that little nugget is fools gold. You don't feel better when you lose weight, because you could be thinner, you aren't losing enough, now you have flab, or cellulite, or bad skin, hair, nose, boobs...it's a slippery slope. Why not work toward feeling better about how you look AS YOU ARE!
What has changed is I am now more relaxed about what I am eating. I don't need to seek a confessional when I have a soda, or ice cream. There is no rush from the "naughtiness" of it. I don't tense up when it's time to plan a meal or snack, I don't have to bargin with myself, I just eat what I want. And usually I don't overdo it. I don't cry, or feel ashamed of myself afterward (most of the time, it's still a work in progress after all.) What I have found is that I don't crave bad snacks as much. Yes I eat them, but I am just as likely to have a banana or grapes. I also don't eat out as much. I don't crave chinese, or fast food. (I still crave wings, but who doesn't!)
I also spend a few minutes each day consciously trying to admire myself in the mirror. This is an important part of my experiment. I sit at my vanity, or stand in front of the mirror and try my hardest to think affirming thoughts about my body. And not the usual backhanded compliments women and girls usually give themselves. but real complimentary things about the parts of my body that I used to loathe. I compliment the belly, large breasts, rolls, chin, arms...I think how they are like fine art. I think how ancient man made immortal tributes in mammoth bone and stone to the female form just like mine. I think how my husband loves my body and finds it sexy. I think how soft and comforting my parts are, how many things my body can do, and endure, and perform.
Of course there are still negative thoughts that creep in, disappointment, self loathing, but I am working on that. Rome wasn't built in a day, and years of social training to hate oneself is deeply ingrained. I will have to carve it out like a careful surgeon cutting out a malignant tumor, until there is none left, only healthy thoughts.
I am also more interested in exercise again. That was a surprise. I want to do good things for my body. I want to feed it healthy food, and take it swimming, and do yoga again. Not to "tone up" but because I feel better when I do it. If I'm too tired then of course I don't, and I don't feel guilty. But the desire is there and I will when I can.
These are the changes I have seen in a short amount of time, and I am kind of excited for what is to come.
First, I have not lost any weight. I know those of you who have done the constant diet thing have all read about some celebrity or diet guru who has said "When I stopped dieting I finally lost weight!" Pardon my french, but I suspect that is horse shit. I believe they dieted their butts off, and hired a personal trainer, or dropped an entire food group from their diet, or started using drugs.
No I have not lost weight, but that is not why I started this rebellion anyway. I just want to stop feeling like there was something wrong with the way I am to begin with. I am on a quest to be healthy in mind, and spirit, as well as body and I believe dieting neglects the work I need to do on my self-esteem. My mother, and this is not a criticism of her, has told me many times that I will feel better about myself if I lose some weight. Well I am coming to the realization that little nugget is fools gold. You don't feel better when you lose weight, because you could be thinner, you aren't losing enough, now you have flab, or cellulite, or bad skin, hair, nose, boobs...it's a slippery slope. Why not work toward feeling better about how you look AS YOU ARE!
What has changed is I am now more relaxed about what I am eating. I don't need to seek a confessional when I have a soda, or ice cream. There is no rush from the "naughtiness" of it. I don't tense up when it's time to plan a meal or snack, I don't have to bargin with myself, I just eat what I want. And usually I don't overdo it. I don't cry, or feel ashamed of myself afterward (most of the time, it's still a work in progress after all.) What I have found is that I don't crave bad snacks as much. Yes I eat them, but I am just as likely to have a banana or grapes. I also don't eat out as much. I don't crave chinese, or fast food. (I still crave wings, but who doesn't!)
I also spend a few minutes each day consciously trying to admire myself in the mirror. This is an important part of my experiment. I sit at my vanity, or stand in front of the mirror and try my hardest to think affirming thoughts about my body. And not the usual backhanded compliments women and girls usually give themselves. but real complimentary things about the parts of my body that I used to loathe. I compliment the belly, large breasts, rolls, chin, arms...I think how they are like fine art. I think how ancient man made immortal tributes in mammoth bone and stone to the female form just like mine. I think how my husband loves my body and finds it sexy. I think how soft and comforting my parts are, how many things my body can do, and endure, and perform.
Of course there are still negative thoughts that creep in, disappointment, self loathing, but I am working on that. Rome wasn't built in a day, and years of social training to hate oneself is deeply ingrained. I will have to carve it out like a careful surgeon cutting out a malignant tumor, until there is none left, only healthy thoughts.
I am also more interested in exercise again. That was a surprise. I want to do good things for my body. I want to feed it healthy food, and take it swimming, and do yoga again. Not to "tone up" but because I feel better when I do it. If I'm too tired then of course I don't, and I don't feel guilty. But the desire is there and I will when I can.
These are the changes I have seen in a short amount of time, and I am kind of excited for what is to come.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
The Mall
I know most people my age dislike the mall, but as a plus size girl they seem extra pointless.
I walked the mall this afternoon, and remembered that there is only one plus sized store outside the big department stores. There are twenty four clothing stores outside the anchor stores and only one of them caters to plus sized women. Really?
I usually end up hitting up Lane Bryant, Barnes and Noble, and leave. I just think it would be cool if some of the other stores had a plus section. Just a thought.
I walked the mall this afternoon, and remembered that there is only one plus sized store outside the big department stores. There are twenty four clothing stores outside the anchor stores and only one of them caters to plus sized women. Really?
I usually end up hitting up Lane Bryant, Barnes and Noble, and leave. I just think it would be cool if some of the other stores had a plus section. Just a thought.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Bridesmaids
I went to go see a movie with the Husband last night. Had what was a quintessential "fat girl" move experience. First of all, I like to sit in the back row middle. It's usually empty, and I hate people sitting behind me (personal quirk not related to size) That row was taken as they had put the film in the "small theater." You know the one; the theater half the size of the rest where they put movies they don't expect to be well attended.
Back on subject.
I had to sit in the middle of the theater, surrounded on each side by people. Minor inconvenience right? Wrong! Theater chairs in older theaters are smaller, and the cupholders don't retract, so I spent the entire time with cupholders digging into my side painfully to avoid encroaching on my neighbor's space.
The next indignity revolved around the character development in the film. There was an assortment of characters within the bridal party, all of which fill various "supposedly" humorous stereotypes. But the one that stuck out to me was the obligatory fat girl. All of her jokes revolved around her weight and sexuality. At first stereotypical glance she is presented as a classic lesbian. Dresses butch, loves dolphins, husky manners; but then she exclaims she is going to climb a random man like a tree, and we are once again on "safe" heterosexual turf, and her sexuality is now only a joke because, of course, fat chicks don't have a sex life! Everyone knows that!
Throughout the rest of the film, she is repeatedly presented as being sexually insatiable, stupid, and socially awkward, all of which hang on her size as the catalyst for humor. The only redeeming moment for her is a heart to heart she has with Kristen Wiig's protagonist character about her high school life and how difficult it was. Then it's right back to the fat girl jokes.
The most upsetting point of the film was for me a short (and wildly unnecessary) clip of her and her boyfriend having a sexual encounter...which involved food...lots of food. The audience reaction to the scene is a classic example of why I have begun writing this blog. They were grossed out and amused by the scene. They squealed, and said ewwww, and the man sitting next to us said "I don't want to see that, she's disgusting." not "that's disgusting," no, "SHE'S disgusting."
I had to wait for the theater to clear out before I could get up and leave, because I cried a little. I felt ashamed because the husband and I were on a romantic date, and I knew after being reminded for two hours straight that fat girls' sexuality is a joke, I would no longer be in the mood.
Back on subject.
I had to sit in the middle of the theater, surrounded on each side by people. Minor inconvenience right? Wrong! Theater chairs in older theaters are smaller, and the cupholders don't retract, so I spent the entire time with cupholders digging into my side painfully to avoid encroaching on my neighbor's space.
The next indignity revolved around the character development in the film. There was an assortment of characters within the bridal party, all of which fill various "supposedly" humorous stereotypes. But the one that stuck out to me was the obligatory fat girl. All of her jokes revolved around her weight and sexuality. At first stereotypical glance she is presented as a classic lesbian. Dresses butch, loves dolphins, husky manners; but then she exclaims she is going to climb a random man like a tree, and we are once again on "safe" heterosexual turf, and her sexuality is now only a joke because, of course, fat chicks don't have a sex life! Everyone knows that!
Throughout the rest of the film, she is repeatedly presented as being sexually insatiable, stupid, and socially awkward, all of which hang on her size as the catalyst for humor. The only redeeming moment for her is a heart to heart she has with Kristen Wiig's protagonist character about her high school life and how difficult it was. Then it's right back to the fat girl jokes.
The most upsetting point of the film was for me a short (and wildly unnecessary) clip of her and her boyfriend having a sexual encounter...which involved food...lots of food. The audience reaction to the scene is a classic example of why I have begun writing this blog. They were grossed out and amused by the scene. They squealed, and said ewwww, and the man sitting next to us said "I don't want to see that, she's disgusting." not "that's disgusting," no, "SHE'S disgusting."
I had to wait for the theater to clear out before I could get up and leave, because I cried a little. I felt ashamed because the husband and I were on a romantic date, and I knew after being reminded for two hours straight that fat girls' sexuality is a joke, I would no longer be in the mood.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
How I came to this point.
I am sick of dieting. I have been dieting, feeling guilty for not dieting, cheating, being "good," being "bad," binging, starving, resolving, breaking down, feeling great, feeling miserable, and ultimately hating myself in the pursuit of a normal weight for the past ten years.
I am exhausted. Therefore I have decided I am going to get off this merry-go-round of self loathing and start to practice a little more of the feminist ideals I preach.
I realize this is not going to be an easy ride to get off of, but I am resolved to achieve some sense of peace about my body, and to treat it like the holy vessel for my soul that it is.
My first order of business is going to be to relax and eat what I like. I am not going to count calories or servings, weight, or size. No rules, no buts.
I am exhausted. Therefore I have decided I am going to get off this merry-go-round of self loathing and start to practice a little more of the feminist ideals I preach.
I realize this is not going to be an easy ride to get off of, but I am resolved to achieve some sense of peace about my body, and to treat it like the holy vessel for my soul that it is.
My first order of business is going to be to relax and eat what I like. I am not going to count calories or servings, weight, or size. No rules, no buts.
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